Dear Teen,
So I’ve been thinking. Is a 4 year college degree what YOU need to do your career? Oh, you don’t know what you want to do?? Let’s start there. Maybe if you knew what you wanted to do for a self-supporting career first then you could find out what it will take to get there. There’s an idea! So many more people are going in to college with no idea of what they want to do. Or maybe they know what they want to do and it doesn’t take a 4 year degree. But they go anyways. Their parents insist! If everybody goes to college who will fill those jobs that require technical skill training? Who will fill the jobs like plumbers, electricians, medical office support, etc. I think it could be the people with a college degree but no focus and no job. They just might get over-educated. Now I agree there is value in education for the sake of learning stuff. Absolutely. But when college costs are up do you really want to spend your money on something that might not lead to a self-supporting career? I’m not suggesting this applies to everyone, but it is certainly something to consider. Maybe think first about what you might want to do and then figure out what it will take to get there. You might be surprised to find out you really only need a 2 year degree, technical training, or a certificate program. There are so many options out there. And so many middle sector jobs that will need to be filled and may not require a 4 year degree. There are some good career exploration tools online. Start there to broaden your horizons. You may find some really cool and interesting careers out there that you never thought of! I know there are! Take into consideration what you are interested in and think about how you see your work day. Are you in an office? Working with people, animals, children? Providing a service or creating something? Do you like to be by yourself or work on a team? Are you good at fixing things? Making things? Helping people? The list could go on and on and on…….Find out who you are, what makes you happy and hone in on what you might like to do with your workday. Then figure out what it will take to get there. It’s not that hard. And it’s a whole lot easier than going through 4 years of college with no direction and ending up with a possibly large student debt and a job that does not match your education. Personally, I’d rather know what I’m spending my educational funds on with a goal in mind. So find a goal, figure out how to get there and go for it!
What Was I Thinking??
Dear Teen,
I think every person has a “What was I thinking?” relationship story. I think as you go through practicing relationships you obviously might make mistakes and poor choices. A relationship that starts out so much fun and you are so in love (or like) that it seems like nothing could ever go wrong, sometimes does. Remember it takes time to get to know someone. So somewhere along the journey things start going wrong. Maybe they become possessive and controlling or they lie or cheat. Whatever it is you slowly start to lose your affection for the person, but in the meantime you keep putting up with a lot! You will know you are done with the relationship when you can say to yourself…”What was I thinking?” It’s OK to be done. It’s also Ok to keep caring about the person you shared a relationship with because at some point it was good and you shared lots of good times too. That doesn’t mean you have to be in a relationship with them, because when you are done you are done. So don’t get down on yourself, just accept that you moved through that relationship and hopefully learned some valuable things about yourself for the next one. If you can ask your “What was I thinking?”, then most likely you are done.
I was recently talking to a teen who has repeatedly taken back a cheating boyfriend, over and over again. She never felt good about it but kept giving him another chance. Finally, after a summer of letting him go, I asked her if she could now ask herself “What was I thinking?” And she soooo related to it! But she also learned to not give up so easily on the things she wants in a relationship like honesty and trust and expect more next time.
Are You Stressing Out Your Teen About College?
Dear Parent,
I cannot tell you how many times I have talked with teens who say they are so stressed about the college process. Some of this stress is natural and expected since the life they have known up to this point is going to take a drastic turn. It’s all been so planned out for them…first grade, second grade….ninth grade…twelfth grade…and then what?! They have to start making some critical decisions. And they certainly do not need any added pressure from you. They know it’s hard to get into college and it’s hard to decide where they want to go. So maybe instead of saying things like ” You have to go to a UC (University of California)”, or ” You know, your cousin went to MIT,” or ” Your Dad and I both went to Ivy League schools and we think you should too.” You get the idea. Well, what if the kinds of colleges you want them to go to are not a good fit for them? Think about having conversations around what they want to do with their life and what kind of education it will take to get there. Also consider the type of student they are. Many teens would fit better at a less academically competitive environment and want somewhere that would create less pressure to excel. And there’s nothing wring with that. You want them to thrive, right? You want them to feel successful? Then help set them up for success. Please don’t ever compare them to anyone else…not a friend, not a relative, no one. They simply cannot be compared. Please don’t force them to go somewhere that is not a good fit just so you can tell your friends that they are going to the best college in the universe. Please try to be proud of all of their accomplishments and help them find that best fit. Things to consider: how far from home, cost, size, majors, community environment, housing, other programs the college may offer, does it FEEL right? If they have no idea what they might want to study, then help them find a college that offers a lot, especially in the areas they are most interested. Remember, try not to judge, never compare, support with an open mind and talk about what they want to do with their life. The best part will be helping them get there.
YOU Get to Define Who You Are
Dear Teen,
So many of us have had tragic, traumatic or life-changing events in our lives. I have then seen so many teens be adversely effected by the event for years after it happened. They have expressed guilt, remorse, embarrassment, etc. When the fact of the matter is that when something happens to you or someone does something to you it does not have to define who you are. YOU get to define who you are. Learning to let go of a bad situation or coming to terms with something that someone did TO YOU can be very freeing. You also have the opportunity to grow tremendously. An example would be if you had been sexually or physically abused as a child and end up feeling like you just aren’t worth anything, your self-esteem has been damaged, and you find yourself making some really bad choices. You may even find yourself depressed and having a hard time managing life. Now I know that letting go, moving on, putting the past behind you is easier said than done and can take a lot of work and self-reflection, but it is worth it. Working with a therapist can also be a great help in getting a handle on your feelings. Keep in mind that YOU get to define who you are, never someone else. It can be very empowering to adopt this philosophy because it helps you get your power back. Don’t ever give up your power to be you to someone else. Once you take your power back, it can be a lot of fun finding your way through life. You can start developing who you are, what you like to do, what kinds of things you are interested in and what you want to do in the future. You will believe you deserve to have good people around you. Be hopeful and know you deserve to have a good life like anyone else. It’s your choice.
Are You Resourceful?
Dear Teen,
I wish I saw more teens being resourceful. It seems like it should be more common but it just isn’t. What do I really mean? I guess I’m talking about problem solving, finding answers and solutions on your own. It also means trusting yourself and believing in yourself enough to rely on your current knowledge and ability to figure it out. When I’m helping a teen I make it a practice not to give them the answer to a problem or tell them what to do. Instead, I help them figure out what they need to do by having them go step by step. Every time you figure something out on your own (maybe with some guidance) you build confidence in your ability to do so. You will start to see yourself as a very capable resource. What you don’t know, you can figure out. And it is always OK to ask for help! Just be ready to follow through on your own. You never want someone to do it for you. OK, you might want to have someone do it for you, but there is no growth in doing it that way. A resourceful teen will learn to trust your own ability and judgement, and that can go a long way when faced with life challenges both big and small. If you rely on someone else solving it for you or giving you the answers, what do you really learn? So trust yourself to try, and what you don’t know ask for some guidance. Then go out and do it yourself. Practice this and you will feel your self-confidence grow stronger and stronger. And most important of all, be proud of yourself for working it through! You are on your way to being a resourceful teen!
Building Resilience: It’s Not Too Late
Dear Teen,
I’ve been wondering lately why more teens are not more resilient. Maybe if you knew what it meant it might help, because I believe you can build resilience. Resilience means the ability to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or other significant sources of stress. This can include family issues, relationship problems, health problems or work or money issues. And many of these things can happen to us at any time throughout our lifetimes. For teens I feel it can be particularly difficult to manage because you are just beginning to get to know yourselves, who you are, what you believe is important, etc. By first being aware that you can be more resilient to life’s ups and downs is a start. Resiliency is definitely something that can be learned because it involves how you handle situations, your actions and responses, your thoughts and behaviors which are all things that can be changed, developed and managed. Here are some ideas on how to build resilience. These are just some ideas that I hope you can make your own. Read on….
Take Care of Yourself – The number one thing to do is to make sure you take care of you. Eat good food, get fresh air and some exercise, sleep enough and well, care for your body, mind and spirit, give yourself downtime to relax and de-stress. Make YOU your own best friend and treat yourself with love and care.
Set Goals – Make small and large, short and long-term goals. Then every time you reach one, be proud of yourself!! Set some goals that are very easily attainable and won’t take too much time like; getting all of your homework done before 9pm, making a good choice about food, or starting a project you have been putting off. Longer term goals can have mini-accomplishments along the way. The goal of setting goals is to do them and feel good about yourself and the accomplishment.
Build Relationships / Create Connections – Think about the people you choose to be around and make sure they are a positive influence on you, and you on them. You want your relationships to be real and honest, supportive and encouraging. You can continue your connections by possibly reaching into your local community by volunteering. Giving back can be great for your self-esteem and confidence and you just might meet more people who have the same interests and attitudes about life as you. Seek out the positive in all of your relationships and don’t be afraid to let drama, stress or toxic relationships go.
Build on the Positive – Make sure you can turn your focus to the positive side of things, even when times are tough. It’s a lot about the messages you tell yourself. If you tell yourself you will get through this and it will be OK, you have a higher chance of making that happen. If you accept that all kinds of things happen in life and you have the power and control to manage them, you can be OK. I’m not saying it will always be easy, but you can believe you can get through tough times.
Don’t Believe Everything People Tell You – Sometimes people say mean things or do mean things to us, that doesn’t mean you have to own it, or believe it. YOU get to decide how you feel about you. You do not have to let what someone else says or does to you define who you are. YOU get to decide that. Remember that. It’s huge when it come to building resiliency.
Learn From Your Past / Learn From Your Mistakes – It’s OK to make mistakes and poor choices, but you want to make sure you learn from them. If you did something that did not work out too well for you, make sure you don’t do it again! Think about the things that cause you the most stress…how can you avoid these in the future? Think about what you have learned about yourself along the way and accept this new knowledge so you can make better choices in the future. Choices that will lead you to feeling happy, not stressed or down.
Build Your Confidence – Anything you can do to build up your confidence in yourself will always be helpful in being a strong, resilient person. Focus on making good choices that build on who you are and want to be. Think about the qualities you admire and strive towards that. When you do something good, be proud of yourself! When you accomplish a goal, be proud of yourself! Believe you are a good person with a lot to offer the world and always work on being the best person you can be.
You can Get Through It – If you are going through a crisis, know that it will not be like this forever. You will get through it and feel good again. Try looking into the future and some of your long term goals, then take it a day at a time, a step at a time. Also be sure to get professional help if need it to navigate through a crisis.
These are some of the things that can start building your resilience. It takes time and perseverance. But the bottom line is that you can get through just about anything if you believe in yourself and your ability to do so. So build on you, give yourself credit for all the good you do and that is in your life, and know that you have the power and control to be happy and healthy.
Drinking, Drugs and Uber
Dear Parent,
Please do not give your teen an Uber account so they can get home safely when out drinking or using drugs. Are you kidding me? Think of the message this sends to them! It really says that you expect them to party and jeopardize their ability to drive, so be ready! The message should always be “I don’t ever want you to drink or use drugs, it’s against the law and not worth it.” But if your teen has made a poor choice and has used alcohol or drugs, please tell them “Do not drive the car, I will come and get you.” You have to also agree, and tell them, that you will not get mad at them or yell at them, but that you most certainly will have a conversation about their choices. The message should always be that drinking and drugs are not acceptable. I hear many parents say “Well, you know, teenagers are going to party so that’s OK as long as they are safe.” Never say it is OK! You have to always say it is unacceptable and that there will be consequences for their actions. I know there is a huge chance that they will try alcohol and drugs but your message needs to be consistent. Remember too that it is against the law for teens under 21 (18 in some places) to use alcohol and it is against the law for everyone to drive under the influence of anything. And then if or when they blow it, you can have a conversation addressing their actions and choices. But if your message is too lax, they very well may take advantage of it thinking you’re cool with them using. You want to establish mutual trust. They need to know that you mean what you say and you need to know they will do the right thing. If they make a mistake, they need to be able to come to you and talk with you about it. If they know you mean what you say they just might try to rise to that and maintain a trusting relationship with you. So if you think an Uber account is the answer it simply is not. YOU are the answer and you need to be ready to go pick them up if the occasion arises. This will also afford an opportunity to talk about what they are doing and how serious it is. You need to know if your teen is in serious trouble. Never give that away for the convenience of a lift home.
Please Take the Car
Dear Parent,
If your teen gets in trouble in any way, especially about drugs or alcohol…and they are a driver…and you have given them the car…even if you make them pay for gas…PLEASE TAKE THE CAR! I say this so emphatically because it really pisses me off. I may drive on that same road, the people I love drive on that same road, innocent people may get hurt. Drugs and alcohol do impare anyone’s ability to drive. Alcohol is obvious, but even marijuana effects driving ability, mostly with slower reaction times. Some teens who use marijuana will say they can drive better while high, they are more relaxed. I absolutely do not agree. And the statistics will support my side. If you are going to get behind the wheel of a huge, heavy moving vehicle you better be alert, attentive and ready. So if your teen has violated your trust, really in any way, but most emphatically if drugs or alcohol are involved…take the car now! Then give them a way to earn it back. Most likely if they are using a substance, there have been signs: grades dropping, poor attendance at school, attitude changes, less communicative, different friends, etc. So tell them they can earn it back by obviously…NO MORE DRUGS OR ALCOHOL. They can earn it back by having perfect attendance, and I mean NO tardies or unexcused absences (and don’t excuse them unless they are truly sick). They can earn it back by turning in all schoolwork and showing that their grades are improving. Tell them they have to maintain a C or better grade point average. They need to share where they are going and who they are with and friend’s parent’s contact information. Then give it 2 weeks and at the end of the 2 weeks you will check their attendance, grades, and assess behavior. Then you will all discuss whether they can get the car back. No I didn’t forget about the fact that they may have been using drugs or alcohol, that’s a whole other issue that needs your immediate and serious attention. So start drug testing them to get a baseline of how big and serious the problem is. I recommend taking them in to see the doctor for an in depth drug screening. That’s probably the only way you will get a very accurate picture of what you are all dealing with. Then listen to the doctor’s recommendations, and seek out professional help for the entire family. And get your teen clean and sober before allowing them back on the road. They need to earn the privilege of driving, even if it is an inconvenience to you.
I Don’t Know
Dear Parent,
If you have a teen who is causing you concern and when you ask them what’s going on or what are they doing and they say “I don’t know”, I truly believe it is because they really don’t know. A teen’s brain is still developing but also on it’s way to becoming an adult brain. With that comes new ways of thinking and feeling about things. Their ability to process information is also changing. So when the answer to your question is “I don’t know”, they probably really don’t know the answer. For instance, you recently discover that your teen has been self-harming and when you ask why you get an “I don’t know.” You need to accept that answer and not keep pushing for another one. Instead, let them know you are super concerned and will seek out professional help for them and for you. You need to learn how best to help your teen, and they need help in identifying how they are truly feeling so they can move towards being healthy. You both need professional help to find a solution, gain understanding and for support. So as hard as it is to accept an I don’t know answer, it’s actually a great place to start. Calm communication is the key. Be open, accepting and try to really listen.
Out of Control?
Dear Teen,
I find it helpful to divide the things going on in your life into two broad categories: the things you CAN control and the things you CANNOT. We often fight against the things we have no control over. As an example, say you have a parent who drinks too much and you hate it. You have tried and tried to get them to stop. You’ve told them it scares you and you never know what to expect, but the drinking continues. Your parent assures you they will stop, but they don’t. So no matter what you say or do nothing changes. Try this: put your focus on what you DO have control over. Like going to school and doing all of your classwork and homework. You can put your focus on doing the best you can in school. You also have control over your actions and decisions. I know your parents still have some say but it is ultimately your choice on how you respond to everything going on around you. You get to choose your friends and your relationships, hopefully choosing people who support and accept you for who you are and that you choose healthy relationships. You get to choose whether you do risky behaviors like anything breaking the law (shoplifting, etc.) or drinking or using drugs. You get to choose how you treat others, like respectfully, kindly and with compassion. You can choose to hold down a job and earn some of your own money. So while so much may feel out of your control there is still so much that is well within your complete control. Shift your focus to YOU, not what others are doing. It can be very empowering to take the control back with a focus on all the positive things you can do for YOU.